So... I've private-d and limited-lised spastic-ivity. I believe it's better this way isn't it? I'm tired of breaking promises. I'm tired. C=choir was enlightening. I've spent all this time thinking that I'm above the rest, that my superior attitude was justified, my behavior understandable but it's not isn't it? I got a dressing down today and I believe I would have to relinquish my position as vice-chair soon. I would gladly do so if it means freedom from choir and them. Of course, it's partly my fault and I would change. The last straw was when Mr. Tan declared that see miang should be the top scorer. Who is she? omg, I know it's wrong to act like this and I know I'm undeserving of that title but omg argh. I believe I have a score to settle with a whole lot teachers and schoolmates. You think that I can't and you have grossly underestimated me. Wait and see please. I've been waiting for you to say something after today's episode but what, all you did was post on facebook asking what is to happen now and discuss ice-cream flavours with the other sec threes. fuck you.
Well as I've said, choir was enlightening. I finally got to see 'me' from the eyes of the instructor and miss tey.
According to them,
I speak like an adult
I drag in red cross to choir matters
I expect too much of them (discipline etc.) and I should do more if I want to change them
I'm aggressive
I'm suicidal
Pampered
Superior "you think that you're good but there's always someone better"
Low-tolerance level
I should take a step back
Defensive
Attitude problem
Dysfunctional
And these are the reasons why people think that I'm hostile. So has my misanthropy been reduced to this? A huge misunderstanding? That it hasn't been them all this while, just me. omg.
"Hi. I'm Bernice and I have an attitude problem!"
'What attitude problem?"
"I'm an elitist, I'm superficial, I'm dysfunctional."
"Why?"
"People have been avoiding me, oh no, not one or two, not just teachers and aunties at drink stalls, why is there something wrong with me? Why do you look down on me? Why do you ignore me? Why don't you listen when I speak?"
"I believe that I'm superior; I act like I'm superior. Don't you know why? It's my defense mechanism! I put on my mask and you're the fool not me! Don't you get it? You show me a black face, I'll show you a darker face."
"You would never survive in jc"
"I know and I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll stay like this and go down the wrong road."
"Then you must change! Smile sincerely, take a step back, be more forgiving, less tense, more patient, care more! They aren't your enemies! The world doesn't own you anything."
"I understand. I know how to act now."
"You'll be different."
"I'll treat them with respect. They deserve that."
"You'll be less particular."
"Hooray for weird noises and random burps!"
"And if they make grammatical mistakes?"
"I make those too. It's normal. I'll shrug it off. They can accept me so why can't I accept them?"
"Now here's the pressing question: Do you want to stay on in choir (you've lost their respect, lost your position, lost your dignity) because it's the responsible thing to do? You'll never know where being in choir would lead you."
I am unsure. That's the problem now. I'm unsure.
I love studying during rainy days. I'll open the windows and let the wind blow and the rain patter, in.
"God bless." The lady at the counter whispered. She saw something and she knew something. What is it that you all see but I don't?
oh my, how emotional.
